With all the uncertainty in my life, the only thing I am certain about right now is this: I don't want to spend my free time knitting or watching reruns of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' because the kids are in bed and I have nothing better to do. I don't want to take up another video game, nor do I want to spend hours at the gym or at the mall or driving around lost in my daydreams.
On the other hand, I don't want to answer to anybody or have to consult anyone for every little thing from the color of the cafe curtains in the kitchen to what I should do with myself once the kids are in school. Whether I want to be a barrista at Starbuck's or a wedding photographer should be noone's concern but my own because it all equates to my happiness, which in turn trickles down to my kids.
Is that being too selfish? Am I unwilling to make those necessary sacrifices in order to build a happy life for my children? After all, since my three kids are my number one priority, shouldn't I have their best interests in mind? There's time for ME later on, or so I'm told.
One lesson I've learned since becoming a mom is that I don't have to be a martyr in order to considered 'good' at this job. And if I am dissatisfied with my life, my kids will feel it. This is something I've struggled with since day 1, and it's only recently that I've finally started to feel like there is a little bit of stability in my life, as ironic as that may sound. For once I really feel like I am going to be okay, despite the relocation and the impending divorce. And for once I can actually get out of bed each day without that feeling of dread.
You know who you are. And I thank you for always being there without fail.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Single
Every so often I read something that just makes me *sigh*. Some of you may have already read this, since I got it from one of your blogs a while back. At the time I felt great pangs of jealousy, wishing this could happen to me.
Who knows, maybe it's all a fantasy. I've been told that even if it is possible, these sorts of things fade away and you're left with two people who still have to deal with the drudgery of everyday life, and well... each other. Sad, isn't it?
But every so often you witness this. Two people who were truly meant for each other. And despite life's challenges, at the end of the day they are still madly in love, even after years and years of having to put up with each other's idiosyncrasies.
I can easily mull over my failed marriage, freak out over the prospect of being a single mom to three young children, feel sorry for myself that it's the weekend and I have absolutely no plans whatsoever (social life? what's that?).
Or I can concentrate on what I can do to rebuild a happy life. Despite what has happened, I think I am allowed that without feeling guilty, despite what people say. To me it is this life long process of finding balance. True, everyone else from my children to my in-laws to the old lady two doors down might have been pleased to see this family of ours, completely intact and doing what families are supposed to do together. But one important component of this wasn't functioning: that would be me.
I don't know, should I have tried Zoloft (again) or spent more money on that therapist and a few trips to the day spa? It was becoming more and more apparent to me that this was not working, even though the little things did give me great pleasure: photography, gardening, baking biscotti, chocolate chip pancakes on Sunday. After a while I felt like I had to make the most out of the situation, and that it wasn't really all that bad. You know, grin and bear it.
Not that my husband is a horrible person. He really, truly isn't, which has lead so many people to question whether I was thinking rationally in my decision to leave him. But clearly we were no longer on the same page. I don't think we ever were, it's just that I was always willing to bend in order to make things work. I'm sure he feels the same about me.
But we've both made the decision to move on with our lives, and this is for the best.
As for me, I have some things to look forward to: Pink guest towels. Filipino food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Polka dotted bed sheets. Family and real friends (even those from the blogosphere) to share my joy and pain with. All this without someone telling me I need to be doing otherwise.
So sometimes there are some positive things about being single. That and the fact that I no longer have to deal with annoying in-laws. Oops, did I just say that?
Who knows, maybe it's all a fantasy. I've been told that even if it is possible, these sorts of things fade away and you're left with two people who still have to deal with the drudgery of everyday life, and well... each other. Sad, isn't it?
But every so often you witness this. Two people who were truly meant for each other. And despite life's challenges, at the end of the day they are still madly in love, even after years and years of having to put up with each other's idiosyncrasies.
I can easily mull over my failed marriage, freak out over the prospect of being a single mom to three young children, feel sorry for myself that it's the weekend and I have absolutely no plans whatsoever (social life? what's that?).
Or I can concentrate on what I can do to rebuild a happy life. Despite what has happened, I think I am allowed that without feeling guilty, despite what people say. To me it is this life long process of finding balance. True, everyone else from my children to my in-laws to the old lady two doors down might have been pleased to see this family of ours, completely intact and doing what families are supposed to do together. But one important component of this wasn't functioning: that would be me.
I don't know, should I have tried Zoloft (again) or spent more money on that therapist and a few trips to the day spa? It was becoming more and more apparent to me that this was not working, even though the little things did give me great pleasure: photography, gardening, baking biscotti, chocolate chip pancakes on Sunday. After a while I felt like I had to make the most out of the situation, and that it wasn't really all that bad. You know, grin and bear it.
Not that my husband is a horrible person. He really, truly isn't, which has lead so many people to question whether I was thinking rationally in my decision to leave him. But clearly we were no longer on the same page. I don't think we ever were, it's just that I was always willing to bend in order to make things work. I'm sure he feels the same about me.
But we've both made the decision to move on with our lives, and this is for the best.
As for me, I have some things to look forward to: Pink guest towels. Filipino food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Polka dotted bed sheets. Family and real friends (even those from the blogosphere) to share my joy and pain with. All this without someone telling me I need to be doing otherwise.
So sometimes there are some positive things about being single. That and the fact that I no longer have to deal with annoying in-laws. Oops, did I just say that?
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