Where to begin.

Well, I'm supposed to be jobhunting now. Actually I should have been doing this all along, given the particular path I chose to take. Not that I am just making excuses because I don't feel like getting off my ass, but I don't even know where to begin. I know I probably should have had this figured out long ago, just like most people have their lives mapped out properly.

I'll tell you one thing. If I could do it all again, I would have never left the workforce to be a full time parent. I know people will probably chastise me for saying this, and it's pointless anyway since the present is the way it is and there is nothing I can do to change whatever decisions I've made in the past. But at this phase in my life I don't see how being a sahm benefits anyone.

People have told me it is a big sacrifice. And it is, no doubt, even though there are some people who are quick to say that I've chosen the easier option by being a stay at home mom. Geez, if they only knew. Imagine having a full time job that you don't leave at the end of the day. One that you are tied to physically, mentally, and emotionally. And one that you can never quit, yet one that may leave you constantly second guessing yourself, especially in the early years. On the most frustrating of days, you have to do everything you can to hold it together. There are no siestas or lunch breaks, unless you can somehow swing simulataneous naptimes. And there are no sick days.

But now I have to switch gears. Or rather, stay on the same track but somehow eke out a little bit more time and energy to do something that will keep us financially afloat. I have a degree. Some work experience. So this should be a no brainer. Or so I'm told. Perhaps I just don't have enough faith in myself, for the last time I went job hunting, it became more of a full time struggle to just find something, because I moved to Chicago with no job, no money, and had to jump from one relative's house to another in order to have a roof over my head.

And now. More than ten years later, I am pretty much back to square one, but with more responsibilities to juggle. Well, I know what I will be telling my children when they head off to college. It is sad to say that they need to prepare themselves for the inevitable based on statistics. But aside from that, having financial independence is empowering, especially for a woman. And if that is what my children end up with when they are my age so that they never have to worry about how they will pay their bills and at the same time have the freedom to make their own decisions, then at least I know I've done something right.

I would hate to think that they will ever have to go through any of this bullshit.