What it is like to have your heart broken.

There are certain songs that stay with me.  One of them is Vivaldi's Winter.  It's beautiful... and something that I would have wanted played at my wedding one day.  But there is an element of delicate sadness to it, perhaps the anticipation of death as the frigid months bring a white blanket of snow over everything.  And I remember on the coldest of days after a snowfall, there was always that deafening silence that had an eeriness about it.

I think about what would move someone to write something like this... his emotions forever recorded in history as a classic.  And certainly everyone has their own interpretation of it.  It once brought me happiness, especially when I heard it played at Edith's daughter's wedding a number of years ago -- in the summer no less.  

What would bring someone such emotion that they are able to represent what he or she is feeling in a work of art?  I always imagine that it would have to be such intense emotion, which would make one's heart burst because the sensation is so immeasurable and strong.  If it's love, then that could be the most wonderful feeling.  However, if it's heartache...  how would one communicate this is a way that evokes such beauty.

For me right now it's nothing but a mixed up ball of barbed wire.  Having to be careful where I reach for fear of causing even more pain.  Cautious of who I turn to for help, for the sadness I feel can be too overwhelming for someone who doesn't know me well enough.

And that's where the loneliness sets in.  Who do I turn to when all I want is for someone to sit in front of me and just listen, while I sip my glass of red wine, all my emotions numbed by Xanax and exhaustion.

I have the energy to be angry.  But other emotions overpower this.  Sadness.  Fear.  Loneliness.  I wish I could write a song.  It would not be as uplifting as anything written by Vivaldi.  But maybe that can make other people understand what I feel right now.