What it is like to have your heart broken.

There are certain songs that stay with me.  One of them is Vivaldi's Winter.  It's beautiful... and something that I would have wanted played at my wedding one day.  But there is an element of delicate sadness to it, perhaps the anticipation of death as the frigid months bring a white blanket of snow over everything.  And I remember on the coldest of days after a snowfall, there was always that deafening silence that had an eeriness about it.

I think about what would move someone to write something like this... his emotions forever recorded in history as a classic.  And certainly everyone has their own interpretation of it.  It once brought me happiness, especially when I heard it played at Edith's daughter's wedding a number of years ago -- in the summer no less.  

What would bring someone such emotion that they are able to represent what he or she is feeling in a work of art?  I always imagine that it would have to be such intense emotion, which would make one's heart burst because the sensation is so immeasurable and strong.  If it's love, then that could be the most wonderful feeling.  However, if it's heartache...  how would one communicate this is a way that evokes such beauty.

For me right now it's nothing but a mixed up ball of barbed wire.  Having to be careful where I reach for fear of causing even more pain.  Cautious of who I turn to for help, for the sadness I feel can be too overwhelming for someone who doesn't know me well enough.

And that's where the loneliness sets in.  Who do I turn to when all I want is for someone to sit in front of me and just listen, while I sip my glass of red wine, all my emotions numbed by Xanax and exhaustion.

I have the energy to be angry.  But other emotions overpower this.  Sadness.  Fear.  Loneliness.  I wish I could write a song.  It would not be as uplifting as anything written by Vivaldi.  But maybe that can make other people understand what I feel right now.

Well. Whatever.

I decided to make this blog public again.  It really doesn't matter in the whole grand scheme of things, with the internet being as big as the universe and I usually don't have much earth shattering news to share about anyone or anything.

But what do I have to hide?

I decided to move back to Chicago this summer.  When I make decisions based my kids, the decision is always easy to make.  It's best for them.  I can find another gym to teach at if I feel like it.  I have friends and family there.  I know where every Target is located and I can send the kids back to their old pediatrician.  Familiarity helps.

As far as everything else.  Whatever.  I think that will be my attitude for most of 2009.

The countdown before his departure.

Well.  February 1 is his first day at his new job.  Meanwhile, I keep hearing accounts of the horrid weather in the midwest, and the last thing I want to do is be a part of that.  It's fairly chilly here in NC...  yesterday it was a frigid 15 degrees outside, which I could barely stand.  I can't imagine having to experience -15 weather.  I still don't understand why anyone would choose to live in such conditions.

But then....

I remember those first breaths of fresh spring air.  It's one of the things I loved about living in Illinois, when the seasons finally started to change. 

Of course, I can't base a huge decision on the weather.  There are the kids' needs, my needs, his needs, all of which seem to clash with one another.  I honestly am not sure what's the best decision for all of us, and it changes on a daily basis.

Meanwhile, I'm just moving ahead with my plans.  Why should I sit stagnant for 6+ months because my future is filled with uncertainty?  I know it's going to take a while to get re-established.  And perhaps I'm thinking too negatively when I tell myself that there is no way I will meet friends like the ones I have now.  But I believe that for some reason.  I just feel too tired to make that same effort to reach out to strangers...  all too often I feel like it's a crap shoot.  Here in NC it's as though I chose the correct one or two people to befriend, and everything else just snowballed quite easily.

So basically, there is nothing new in my life.  I did train to teach a new program at the gym - BODYFLOW.  And next weekend I plan on making the trek out to Charlotte to train in BODYCOMBAT (which is essentially kickboxing...  I always get a funny look from people when I mention that... hehe).  A lot of people think I'm a bit nuts to try and squeeze another program in there.  But I want to be certified to teach in all three group fitness formats:  strength, mind/body, and cardio.  Maybe it's my way of trying to establish myself in this tightly knit fitness community, where everyone seems to know everyone.  And despite already having quite a bit on my plate, I just feel like the timing is right.  Sure I can wait for another time to take on something new...  but why wait?

And really, what do I do all day?  I recognize motherhood as a demanding job... but unlike a typical desk job, I have a lot of down time to memorize tracks.  My kids can probably teach this stuff now too.  :)

So... in closing...  hmm, I don't have anything profound to say.  Just keep warm and stay safe.  And celebrate on January 20.  :)

Happy New Year. Or something like that.

I've come to the realization that 2 weeks in Florida at my parents' house is just the right amount of time to feel like I wish I hadn't stayed here for this long.  By now my whole routine is completely out of whack.  I haven't done any real exercise.  I'm eating way too much food and have had seemingly nonstop indigestion for the past few days.  And the kids...  they are starting to drive me bonkers.

But of course, I'm sure soon after I get back home again I will be wishing I were back here.  Only without the indigestion.

We missed the ringing in of the new year.  Maybe that's symbolic of how our lives are right now.  Sort of a blur because there are too many distractions that are keeping us from enjoying what otherwise could be memorable moments.  So perhaps 2009 will be the year of getting rid of clutter.  All those speed bumps that are keeping me (us) from truly living life.  My kids' happiness is tied to my own, as any mom would know.  Though I think they are doing pretty well most of the time, I always get this nagging sensation in my gut that I could be doing a better job.  And so the first thing that has to go is the garbage that is stinking up our lives.

This year I will be 38 years old.  I am in disbelief over how close I am to 40, for it seems just yesterday I was almost hitting 30.  While I can't completely blame the ex for making me feel like I wish I could declare a big "DO OVER" for a good portion of my 20s, I'll be damned if I let someone else make me wish the same thing when I hit 40.  It's not too late to change that.  But in order to do this, I need to put the garbage in the dumpster, otherwise I'll constantly be tripping over it.  Sadly, this is the sort of thing that just won't go away on its own.  I have to give it the good drop kick to send it on its merry way.  Ugh.

I know this will be an interesting year.  I have a better sense of control of my life, even though there is that whole Chicago move thing hanging over me.  Yes, the ex decided to take the job and his first day is February 1st.  And I have no idea what this entails for me and my kids, but it had better be good or else I, or WE, will have nothing to do with it.