Confirmation.

I'm not a very religious person and I don't normally believe in "signs". But over the past few years I have been contemplating yet another big change in my life. But something would happen to steer me away from thinking about it... fear, self doubt, or a (false?) belief that people are inherently good. Who knows what it might have been, but when I found myself thinking about making this change, yet again, I wonder why I feel as though I am stuck in a vicious never ending cycle.

I don't think I make decisions on impulse all that often. Sometimes what might be great idea is turned over and over in my head and the idea doesn't seem all that great any longer. So that cute sundress at the department store is often put back on the shelf. The online shopping cart is filled, and then emptied. The "famous last words" I could have spoken were instead internalized, avoiding yet another argument. So naturally, this time around I have gone back and forth, back and forth. What seemed like a great idea one day would just be a passing thought the next.

And then I decided to just go for the plunge. I dared myself to make that change because I was just fed up with that vicious cycle. And of course there is always that same person to tell me that I've made a mistake, that I'm crazy, that there is a much much better solution. But all it took to validate everything I have been feeling is a small comment my oldest daughter made in passing to her brother. This is the right thing to do... the best thing to do because it is more for them than it is for me.

December 15, 2011 is when everything is going to change, paving the way to a bright and wonderful 2012. But not before a whole lot of sweat (which I can handle) and grief (which I'm not sure I can handle).